I don’t know about you, but when I was pregnant and even before, I dreamed a blissful dream of a calm, easy baby, cooing, laying in my arms as I seamlessly nursed her and rocked her to sleep. I lie her down, in her perfect (expensive!) crib, on her back. She may stir a little, but I pat her gently and whisper, “Goodnight sweet baby”, as she drifts peacefully off to sleep. Uh huh… now, on to the reality.
(Side note: I would never intentionally take a picture of my babe crying. My mom and I were trying to take a pic of her “grandma’s sweetheart” onesie and ended up with this gem.)
I’ve had a few conversations with fellow parents recently, that have gone something like this:
I’ve done X, Y, and Z and nothing, I repeat nothing will help my baby sleep. He/She has been up for 15 solid hours with no end in sight. I’m exhausted, my baby is exhausted. Is He/She teething, hungry, belly pain, reflux, fever, etc? The list goes on and on.
I want to get real here. We have this picture of the perfect baby/parent experience for a reason. We feel guilty when our experience doesn’t match this picture. We turn to other parents. Not sure how you feel about them, but most of the time, I feel as if all those books on sleep, feeding, etc. are complete, guilt inducing crap! I hope to God, that if you’re reading this and you can relate, you find or have already found some friends, an online community, or a family member that will tell it to you straight. If this is the only place you hear it, then so be it, purpose served.
My husband and I are accidental attachment or intuitive parents. We had preconceived notions about how we would parent. The way we thought we would parent, and the way we actually parent are ridiculously different. Hilariously different. Example: We were out to eat with my mom at our favorite restaurant. There was a family with a very young baby. The entire family was talking about the baby. The baby this, the baby that. I proceeded to rant. I mean rant about how the couple should have gotten a baby sitter. Don’t they know how unhealthy it is, that all of the focus is on THE BABY?!?! I just knew that their marriage was sure to fail. Ha! Awesome. Just awesome.
I have to tell you that in 14 months, my husband and I have spent one night out. Count it, one. That night, we had our good friends; who mind you have not come over again, to watch Lil, who at the time was 5 months old. She screamed the entire time. We came home early. She’s used to nursing to sleep, co-sleeping, the whole bit. I knew in my heart it wouldn’t go well. It didn’t, and we haven’t attempted it again. We may not, until she’s able to understand what is happening, and why her parents, her comfort in this world, aren’t here when she goes to sleep. We have adapted our idea of a date night, and it works for us. We have day time dates. We make a pillow bed on the floor in the living room and watch movies, we order in, we make time for each other in different ways. Amusing huh? What we thought, and what our experience actually looks like, could not be any different.
Here’s my point. We compare our experience to others. This is the most dangerous thing a parent can do. Here’s why. So many people are not honest about their experience. Sure, some people have super laid back babies that go down, in their crib, on their back, no crying from day one. I will tell you though, I talk to lots of parents daily, I read a bazillion parenting blogs and this is not the norm. The internet is filled with people who don’t understand why their baby is so different, so difficult. Here’s the truth people, your baby is not different, and your baby is not difficult. Your baby is an individual with individual needs from you, their parent. Your experience is more normal than you’ll ever know.
We had not a clue we would be a bed sharing family. Guess what? We’re a bed sharing family.
We had no idea that we would hold our baby, the majority of the time, while she naps.
I’m sure one day we’ll look back on this with so much fondness. She will one day sleep independently, and we will wish that she would lay with us, for even a few moments. One day, she’ll live somewhere other than our home and we’ll miss her. We will be glad that we decided, when she was just months old, to give up the fight. To stop the power struggle between us and her. To stop looking for so many patterns. She has no idea that since the day she was born, we desperately wanted her to fit in to our schedule, into our routine.
Here’s what we’ve accepted, and I’m eternally grateful that we did. She’s a baby, and she is changing and growing constantly. We realized that it would behoove us to do the same. We are her parents and we need to respond to her needs 24/7. Yes, this means parenting all through the night. We will never, ever be ok with the cry it out method. Honestly, yes we’re tired. We’re exhausted, but she’s growing up to be a very well adjusted, very happy toddler that trusts her parents. This is the greatest reward. This is worth all of the time I think, “there are a million things I need to be doing, would you just sleep!” My husband and I help each other get a little time to ourselves. If you don’t have a partner, I urge you to enlist a friend to help you with the dishes, the laundry, whatever it may be. Balance looks much different these days. We’ve had to relearn what time alone means. There are many days I say to my husband, “I need 30 minutes.” I require much less time these days to shower, shave, and do whatever I need to do that fills me up inside, that recharges my battery. I allow my husband the same. It’s imperative.
I have to remember, daily, that my little one needs me. She’s trying to adjust to this big, big world. I’ve been here a while. I can sacrifice a little of my comfort so that I may help guide her. After all, I brought her here. So, I say to you, hang in there. Your experience is normal. It’s yours and your family’s alone. No one can tell you that you’re doing it wrong, as long as you’re doing it with your heart. We’ll be here, the sleepless souls scattered across the world, reading, one blog, one article, one person’s experience at a time.
Papa Ryan’s Angels
So it was never in the cards for me to be a father, never had the example, never thought I would. Grayce -Anne Elizabeth showed up and was placed into my hands cord attached October 15 1999, I stood there overwhelmed but oddly at ease.
It’s hard to put into words just how that moment felt. The real moment was delayed sorta, there was work to be done and so I was into work mode. I was sleep deprived. Grayce was so easy and she was always happy, she would wake up and just hang out in her crib talking to her little angels, I set up a video camera at times and would video tape her waking up. I believe it was on the third day when I was putting Grayce down for a nap and it hit me, like a flash of overwhelming terror, a moment of undefinable Grace , a love so pure, that I almost threw up. I fell in love like I had never known before, a forever sorta love and I have never been the same .
Mia came into this world fighting like hell on the 20th of December 2000, she was 5 or so weeks premature and struggled for 18 hours trying to breathe on her own, her little chest would just cave in as she struggled for each breath until the doc said “no more” and in the middle of the night she was wisked away to the NIC unit at St. Lukes on the plaza. Angels reside there ya know. Well she spent ten days there through Christmas, tubes and wires and lights and Ya know they Got Angels there?
It was never “if” she would come home but “when”. I don’t think I’ve ever been more sure of anything in the world and I was right. Her first year was one that would have killed a full grown adult, driven them crazy, but this girl, little girl full of prednisone, enduring shots, doctors poking, listening, breathing treatments, hot steam , cold air, midnight drives to children mercy at 90 miles an hour and crazy ass Papa that would always be there and make it better best he could.
If I had to pick one period of my life to point out as the one that I feel the most blessed to have, been allowed to have, been able to be alive for, it would be the 1999 to 2004 years as stay at home 24 7 all day Papa….
*** I’ve had the privilege of knowing Ryan for almost 6 years now. He is an extraordinary example of a father’s love. This world is a better place because he’s in it, loving the bajeezus out of his angels. When he stepped up to share his birth stories, I couldn’t have felt happier. Love ya Ryan
-Jamie
To you, Lil
I had no idea how you would change me. You’ve changed me forever. I knew I would love you. I knew I wanted you more than anything else in this world. I had no idea that having you would make me a different me, a better me.
You are 1 now. This year has flown. I would give anything to have even a moment of you, as a newborn, lying in my arms. Days old. The emotions were so overwhelming. I have always heard parents say, “I never knew I could love like I love my child.” There is no way to understand that until you feel it. You, in my arms, makes me feel whole. Even though in the early days of your sweet life; and sometimes still, things were so new, and confusing. I knew the moment I held you I had a greater purpose.
Your daddy and I knew we would be going to the hospital at 6 am on July 2nd and that you would be in this world that day. We prepared your room, washed your clothes, put together your things and filled our home with you. We could not wait. We had wanted you for a few years. We wanted to meet you so badly..
I don’t think I slept a wink the night before my scheduled C-Section. I wish with all of my heart we would’ve been able to labor and have the opportunity to deliver naturally, but that’s not our story. That is not your story, my sweet baby, and that is perfect. You came into this world in a beautiful way and I will never regret a single moment of it. It was perfect.
My husband, Josh and I welcomed family into town the day before we were to meet our LillieNan. We had a great family dinner which included my step son (our son) Regan, parents, siblings and nephews. On our way home from dinner, it hit. We’re meeting our baby tomorrow. I can honestly say from that moment on, you have been with us. Your spirit was and will always be a part of our family and that was the moment your spirit entered our hearts. The moment it was no longer me and my husband.
We arrived at the hospital the morning of July 2nd, high on nerves and excitement. We spoke few words on the way. The only thing I remember hearing is “are you ready”? “Yeah, are you”? We checked in and were admitted to a pre-op room. We had the nicest nurse. She joked with us, talked with us and helped calm us. A little. I don’t know if anything could have truly calmed us that morning. We were meeting our baby shortly!!! We talked with a few people who explained the process of a C-Section, and what to expect afterwards as far as recovery was concerned. The nurse anesthetist explained the epidural and spinal block to me. I have to be honest, that was the thing I was the most nervous about. Well, that and becoming a mother in a matter of moments.
The team came to my room and wheeled me to surgery. I touched my pregnant belly for one of the last times. I reassured you, my baby, that all would be well and that the team knew what they were doing. I told you that I couldn’t wait to hold you, kiss you, feed you and be your mommy in this world.
Josh and I were separated at the doors of the OR. He was to go dress in surgical scrubs and wait until the epidural and spinal block were in place. That was the longest 20 minutes of my life. I just wanted him by my side. He is my comfort in this world. The epidural went quickly and took effect immediately. The spinal block was put in place and my nurse laid me down and covered my lower half with a sheet so that I couldn’t see what was going on. I heard my doctor telling me that we were going to begin. Just then, they allowed Josh in the room. I was so relieved. I felt a tear roll down my cheek. He told me to breathe, wiped my tear and kissed my cheek. I whispered , “I’m so nervous”. I was shaking. He stroked my hair softly.
I felt some tugging and pulling. The doctors warned me I would feel that, but nothing else. My anesthesiologist was a very vibrant, energetic man who pulled the curtain back a bit for Josh to see what was happening. He said, “look! You can see your baby’s face!” Josh told me prior to the surgery, that he was not going to look. That he couldn’t handle seeing me cut open. Well, that was shot. He says now that he’s glad the doctor did that. 😉
I heard a few of the surgical team say, “WOW, that’s a big baby!” We knew that you’d be big from the look of ultrasounds leading up to delivery. I know now that big baby is not a reason for c section, but that’s a story for another day. You were here, out of my body. I saw your daddy’s face. I knew that you’d been delivered. I asked him, “is she ok?” He said, “Yes, she’s perfect.” Just then, I heard you cry. That was and will always be one of the most beautiful sounds I’ve ever heard. Your life filling your lungs. You took your first breath outside of me at 9:26 am. You weighed 9.5 lbs.
The doctors showed you to me briefly and off you went with your daddy to be washed up. The surgical team sewed me up and got me to recovery while you spent the first hour of your life with your daddy. He was so proud to be able to be with you. As sad as I was that I couldn’t feed you and hold you immediately, I know that time with you means the world to your Dad. He will always hold that near to his heart. He told me months later that he made you a promise that day. He told you that he would always be your daddy and that he would never allow anyone to hurt you. He promised you that he would always protect you.
I was in recovery just a few minutes and I saw your daddy walking towards the room. He was pushing you in the hospital bassinet. My heart was pounding. I couldn’t wait to hug him, kiss him and hold you and kiss you. Your daddy picked you up. You were wearing the most adorable knitted purple hat. He handed you to me. I wept. There you were. Pink, alive, well, and crying. You cried for me. I let the tears flow down my face and I kissed your daddy.
I fumbled to feed you as we let our family know you had been born and just how beautiful and healthy you are. I will never, ever forget those first minutes with you. Just you, me and your dad. A new family.
The next few days, we learned about you. The hospital took really wonderful care of our family, but we couldn’t wait to take you home. Your daddy and I had wanted you for so long, we couldn’t believe you we’re finally here. The feeling of holding you, so fragile and new in my arms is a feeling I will never forget. We slept, we ate, we saw family, we cried. You, me and your daddy.
Thank you Lil, for choosing us as your parents. You make us better people, better parents, and better partners. We’ve loved every day, every minute, every second of your first year of life. You are as vibrant as the morning sun. We love you more than life itself baby girl. .
Happy Birthday.
Happy Father’s Day to all the wonderful Dad’s out there from Mommy Got Her Groove Back. I’m partial to one pictured above. He is amazing. I am extremely important in the lives of our children, I’m Mom. But… There is something so different about the relationship he has with them.
I will never truly be able to put into words what happens when they look at him. He’s Dad, he’s their Father. When he comes home from work and our daughter sees him, or even hears him and I say, “Daddy is home!” SHE LIGHTS UP!! Seriously. The look in her eyes is so unexplainable. She smiles differently. It’s incredible. He dances with her, he rocks her, he naps with her. He loves her so much.
I watch him hold her. She melts in his arms. She feels safe, secure, at home. My stepson, Regan adores him. The way he says Daddy brings a smile to my face. It’s almost a question. He looks to him for approval, direction and love.
The bond that children have with their father is so important, so essential to life. The safety, the security, the love.
I am so grateful for my wonderful husband, who shows me everyday, by loving our children, just what it means to be a father. I love you honey. I am also so grateful for my Father, who shows me an amazing amount of love. He’s always there, he’s always been there. I couldn’t ask for better examples of awesome fathers in my life. Thank you, to all the awesome Dad’s out there!!
Mommy Got Her Groove Back 