I don’t know about you, but when I was pregnant and even before, I dreamed a blissful dream of a calm, easy baby, cooing, laying in my arms as I seamlessly nursed her and rocked her to sleep. I lie her down, in her perfect (expensive!) crib, on her back. She may stir a little, but I pat her gently and whisper, “Goodnight sweet baby”, as she drifts peacefully off to sleep. Uh huh… now, on to the reality.
(Side note: I would never intentionally take a picture of my babe crying. My mom and I were trying to take a pic of her “grandma’s sweetheart” onesie and ended up with this gem.)
I’ve had a few conversations with fellow parents recently, that have gone something like this:
I’ve done X, Y, and Z and nothing, I repeat nothing will help my baby sleep. He/She has been up for 15 solid hours with no end in sight. I’m exhausted, my baby is exhausted. Is He/She teething, hungry, belly pain, reflux, fever, etc? The list goes on and on.
I want to get real here. We have this picture of the perfect baby/parent experience for a reason. We feel guilty when our experience doesn’t match this picture. We turn to other parents. Not sure how you feel about them, but most of the time, I feel as if all those books on sleep, feeding, etc. are complete, guilt inducing crap! I hope to God, that if you’re reading this and you can relate, you find or have already found some friends, an online community, or a family member that will tell it to you straight. If this is the only place you hear it, then so be it, purpose served.
My husband and I are accidental attachment or intuitive parents. We had preconceived notions about how we would parent. The way we thought we would parent, and the way we actually parent are ridiculously different. Hilariously different. Example: We were out to eat with my mom at our favorite restaurant. There was a family with a very young baby. The entire family was talking about the baby. The baby this, the baby that. I proceeded to rant. I mean rant about how the couple should have gotten a baby sitter. Don’t they know how unhealthy it is, that all of the focus is on THE BABY?!?! I just knew that their marriage was sure to fail. Ha! Awesome. Just awesome.
I have to tell you that in 14 months, my husband and I have spent one night out. Count it, one. That night, we had our good friends; who mind you have not come over again, to watch Lil, who at the time was 5 months old. She screamed the entire time. We came home early. She’s used to nursing to sleep, co-sleeping, the whole bit. I knew in my heart it wouldn’t go well. It didn’t, and we haven’t attempted it again. We may not, until she’s able to understand what is happening, and why her parents, her comfort in this world, aren’t here when she goes to sleep. We have adapted our idea of a date night, and it works for us. We have day time dates. We make a pillow bed on the floor in the living room and watch movies, we order in, we make time for each other in different ways. Amusing huh? What we thought, and what our experience actually looks like, could not be any different.
Here’s my point. We compare our experience to others. This is the most dangerous thing a parent can do. Here’s why. So many people are not honest about their experience. Sure, some people have super laid back babies that go down, in their crib, on their back, no crying from day one. I will tell you though, I talk to lots of parents daily, I read a bazillion parenting blogs and this is not the norm. The internet is filled with people who don’t understand why their baby is so different, so difficult. Here’s the truth people, your baby is not different, and your baby is not difficult. Your baby is an individual with individual needs from you, their parent. Your experience is more normal than you’ll ever know.
We had not a clue we would be a bed sharing family. Guess what? We’re a bed sharing family.
We had no idea that we would hold our baby, the majority of the time, while she naps.
I’m sure one day we’ll look back on this with so much fondness. She will one day sleep independently, and we will wish that she would lay with us, for even a few moments. One day, she’ll live somewhere other than our home and we’ll miss her. We will be glad that we decided, when she was just months old, to give up the fight. To stop the power struggle between us and her. To stop looking for so many patterns. She has no idea that since the day she was born, we desperately wanted her to fit in to our schedule, into our routine.
Here’s what we’ve accepted, and I’m eternally grateful that we did. She’s a baby, and she is changing and growing constantly. We realized that it would behoove us to do the same. We are her parents and we need to respond to her needs 24/7. Yes, this means parenting all through the night. We will never, ever be ok with the cry it out method. Honestly, yes we’re tired. We’re exhausted, but she’s growing up to be a very well adjusted, very happy toddler that trusts her parents. This is the greatest reward. This is worth all of the time I think, “there are a million things I need to be doing, would you just sleep!” My husband and I help each other get a little time to ourselves. If you don’t have a partner, I urge you to enlist a friend to help you with the dishes, the laundry, whatever it may be. Balance looks much different these days. We’ve had to relearn what time alone means. There are many days I say to my husband, “I need 30 minutes.” I require much less time these days to shower, shave, and do whatever I need to do that fills me up inside, that recharges my battery. I allow my husband the same. It’s imperative.
I have to remember, daily, that my little one needs me. She’s trying to adjust to this big, big world. I’ve been here a while. I can sacrifice a little of my comfort so that I may help guide her. After all, I brought her here. So, I say to you, hang in there. Your experience is normal. It’s yours and your family’s alone. No one can tell you that you’re doing it wrong, as long as you’re doing it with your heart. We’ll be here, the sleepless souls scattered across the world, reading, one blog, one article, one person’s experience at a time.
Mommy Got Her Groove Back 